The past 3 months have been a slow crawl through all the complicated emotions surrounding a move I thought we'd never make. Before we left Boston, I held on so tightly to all the feelings about moving. Most of my emotions were neatly bottled up until one day before our departure. It may have been denial all those months leading up to our move, but when all the feelings surfaced I was not prepared for the sheer volume of emotion that came spewing out......for at least 4 days. It wasn't pretty.
I wasn't grieving because I didn't want to move.
On the contrary, the move was just what our family of 5 needed and I could not wait to start slowing down our pace of life and enjoy the wide open space of Colorado. I grieved because our friends had become our family and for the first time in my life I understood what the Church was meant to be.
Ironically, our last year in Boston was my best year ever.
There is something so freeing about coming to the end. We're all scared to some degree to be our true selves.
Because if people don't love us as we are, the sting of rejection is so much worse. The fear of letting go is real and the fear of what others think is almost impossible to overcome completely. It takes courage and strength to be real. In that year I got as close as I've ever been and it was so very good.
In the Spring, Chris and I had the opportunity to lead a group of friends and acquaintances on a trip to Thailand to share Breanna's House of Joy. Up until a few days before we left I was terrified they would have a horrible time. It felt so vulnerable to share this special piece of my heart with people that didn't know me that well. As I prepared for the trip, I began praying for each of our girls at Breanna's House of Joy. I prayed that they would grow up to know how deeply they are loved by God and that our trip would give them a deeper glimpse of his love for them.
Yet in the midst of these prayers I recognized the doubt in my own life.
If this was true in the lives of these girls...........it had to be true for me.
And if they didn't see this assurance flowing freely from my heart, it would all be a fraud.
Of course I know that God loves me. This truth has been spoken into my life for as long as I can remember. But to know of God's love and to live out of that love are two very different things.
One of my close friends told me that she asked her husband once how he managed to live a life that was so grounded in the love of Jesus every day. He simply said he never lets his feet touch the ground in the morning without being absolutely certain of God's love for him.
A daily practice of identity formation. Imagine that.
I never thought I needed to revisit my identity with each new day, until I did. It has become one of my favorite parts of the day and I am loving this new practice.
If God is for us, who is against us? What a treasure we have.
(The new house)
I'm doing pretty good now that we've been in Colorado for a solid 6 weeks, but I've realized how central writing has become to my process and decided it's high time I resurrect this creative outlet.
When we made the decision to move out of Boston, someone asked me if I was going to change the name of my website from Five in the City to something else. I hadn't given it much thought.....until now.
I suppose it's time, but it pains me so!