Sick with grief.

I spent most of Sunday holding my breath and feeling anxious about something. I didn’t think anything of it because anxiety has been a part of the every day for so long now. Over the years, I’ve learned how to push through and stay focused until it slowly settles down and I find my peace.

But Sunday was different.

August 12th is the day we remember our little girl. It’s the day that everything changed for us; when all our joy and excitement over twins instantly transformed into sadness and confusion. And on August 13th this year, my body and soul were crying out for me to pay attention and take a breath.

I didn’t pay attention at first. But on Sunday night when Chris mentioned something I was reminded of how disconnected our minds can be from our hearts. Even when we don’t remember, our bodies do.

It took me a long time to understand that grief is not just a state of mind. It affects the mind, body, and spirit.

When we don’t pay attention, we become sick with grief.

Sick with grief.

I used to think it meant that someone was so sad that they were sick. It seemed like a temporary illness that would go away and time would heal.

Over the years, I’ve come to learn that grief is more like a life-long disease. When something bad happens, it settles deep into your bones and stays there forever. You grieve so hard and so deep in the first few years that it becomes an unconscious part of your life.

Like muscle memory, your body grieves on the anniversary….or when you see, hear, or do something that reminds you of them.

I believe it’s important to stay connected so we don’t fight against it. Stay awake, stay aware.

Remember to take a breath and soak it in.

We miss you, Amelie Marie, today and every day.

All photos taken by KCK Photography. Thank you, Kiernan, for being brave enough to step into our darkest moment and give us the gift of these precious photos.


I'm Amy.You can read my story here. I write openly and candidly about my experience with grief on the pages of this blog.  I also write about life: parenting, life in the city, food, health, and other random topics. You can read about Breanna Joy and Amelie Marie to get a better context for some of my writing. Drop me a note sometime and tell me your story. And, don't forget to sign up for email notifications so you know when I post something new. Thanks for stopping by. I'm so glad you found me!